Subject: Airline Complaints

Arthur Greycloud

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as “squawks,” recently submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots’ squawks.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P - Test flight o.k., except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-held mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That’s what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you’re right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to “Straighten up, fly right, and be serious.”

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.