Asian-American Jokes

Note: I did not come up with this; I found it somewhere online, but since it’s all over the place, I do not know whom to cite.

How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the second generation perspective)

1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
2. Don’t ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card.
3. Don’t “ai-yah” loudly at your kid’s dress habits.
4. Don’t blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).
5. Don’t reveal all the intimate details of your kid’s life to the entire Asian community.
6. Don’t ask your child, “What are you going to do with your life?” if he/she majors in a non-science field.
7. Don’t give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
8. Don’t try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
9. Incorporate other phrases besides, “Did you study yet?” into your daily conversations with your children.
10. Don’t ask all your kid’s friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first generation perspective)

1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
10. Love to hear stories about your parents’ childhood…especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.

Top Ten Reasons there won’t be a Chinese President Anytime Soon

1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles
2. Senior aides won’t take off shoes before coming in
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct
4. No chance for promotion
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners
6. Secret service can’t handle nagging from mother
7. Can’t find decent roast duck inside the beltway
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means ‘wind water’)
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics
10. White House not big enough for in-laws

Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men

1. My eyes may seem small but I’ve got a HUGE personality
2. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam, lowered, over-exhausted, Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered stereo that’ll leave you breathless?
3. You know what? It’s strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time!
4. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice!
5. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during “Joy Luck Club.”
6. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y’see, I’m finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
7. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chick from Street Fighter 2.
8. Uhhhh, no, I didn’t play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
9. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
10. I may look like a nerd but it’s only a disguise.