Just finished quals today. There were a couple of professors on whom I made bad impressions. I’m willing to bet I failed this year, but I won’t be certain until Wednesday. I played frisbee for an hour and a half after my last exam. The light rain over the foggy field evoked pastoral images. It seemed so timeless, so peaceful, in face of the drama that has been happening lately, upon which I will not elaborate.
I was at Friday night worship with FiCS today, and during praise, I realized two things. Firstly, I realized that these brothers and sisters around me who were like family to me, who prayed for me, who fed me, who congratulated me—they will be with me even after this life passes away, and I had a vision of all of us gathered like we did, together, tonight, standing and praising God for his endless mercies. I was overcome with emotion. Secondly, I realized that these brothers and sisters are not going to judge my performance, that my family back home is not going to judge my performance, and ultimately, God will not judge my performance. It suddenly became clear how little the quals matter in the Kingdom of God, and how selfish I had been in trying to prove my worth in taking it so early and desiring to pass it. I ask for forgiveness.