How to Make Friends in the Weight Room

  1. Ask the huge guy if he needs a spot. If he says ‘no’, give him a five minute lecture on how dangerous lifting weights alone can be. Tell him the story about your uncle who killed himself while bench pressing. If he says ‘yes’, respond with, ‘Okay, hold on I’ll find somebody’
  2. Wait by the squat rack until the huge guy is in the middle of a set. After he’s done ten reps and his face is turning red, walk in front of him. Right when he drives out of a deep squat and is making animal sounds, ask him, ‘How many more sets do you have?’
  3. Ask for a spot on your crunches.
  4. Scatter the dumbells all around the room; that way people won’t have to walk all the way over to the rack.
  5. When you’re loading a barbell, slam the plates as hard as you can; that helps keep them from slipping during your lift.
  6. When you’re done with with the bench press, making as much noise as possible, drop the bar on to the supports and pretend you’ve passed out; it lets everyone else know you’re done and they can start applauding.
  7. Ask the pretty girl on the bicycle if she needs a spot.
  8. When a big guy asks you to spot him, say, ‘Okay, there you are.’
  9. Work out with a syringe stuck in your arm.
  10. Sprinkle lifting chalk on all the equipment in case anyone forgot to bring their own.