Note: I did not come up with this; I found it somewhere online, but since it’s all over the place, I do not know whom to cite.
How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the second generation perspective)
- Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
- Don’t ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card.
- Don’t “ai-yah” loudly at your kid’s dress habits.
- Don’t blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).
- Don’t reveal all the intimate details of your kid’s life to the entire Asian community.
- Don’t ask your child, “What are you going to do with your life?” if he/she majors in a non-science field.
- Don’t give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
- Don’t try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
- Incorporate other phrases besides, “Did you study yet?” into your daily conversations with your children.
- Don’t ask all your kid’s friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.
How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first generation perspective)
- Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
- Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
- Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
- Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
- Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
- Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
- Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
- Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
- Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
- Love to hear stories about your parents’ childhood…especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.
Top Ten Reasons there won’t be a Chinese President Anytime Soon
- Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles
- Senior aides won’t take off shoes before coming in
- Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct
- No chance for promotion
- Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners
- Secret service can’t handle nagging from mother
- Can’t find decent roast duck inside the beltway
- Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means ‘wind water’)
- Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics
- White House not big enough for in-laws
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men
- My eyes may seem small but I’ve got a HUGE personality
- Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam, lowered, over-exhausted, Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered stereo that’ll leave you breathless?
- You know what? It’s strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time!
- Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice!
- Yeah, (sniff) I cried during “Joy Luck Club.”
- What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y’see, I’m finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
- Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chick from Street Fighter 2.
- Uhhhh, no, I didn’t play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
- I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
- I may look like a nerd but it’s only a disguise.